A BIG DUDE came out of the LADIES’ ROOM.

I knew DUDE was a dude because as I passed him by, he was adjusting the crotch of his pants, putting things that go ding-dong! back in their proper place.

But what was Dude doing there?

Me vaja-jay.  He one-eyed snake.

Dude, you perv! What were you doing there?!

When I rushed back to my office desk to spill the pervalert! news, I learned Dude wreaked havoc on poor Marnie’s sensibilities after her own visit to the loo!

Then, a sudden thought: Despite the tedious cleaning of Jen, there’s always spilled urine on the bathroom floor.

We thought kids of SUNNY ladies caused this. But maybe it’s just Dude. Dude who’s unable to control the hose from which his own golden shower springs out from.

So okay, he can’t bear other dudes to know this emasculating affliction, he hides in the female bathroom. Let’s forgive Dude. He’s sick, not pervy.

But what if Dude is a sick perv? The kind of gets off on using his hose to shower the bathroom golden. Staking his claim on the thrones and the queens who’ll sit upon them. You’re mine my pretttiessss, allllll mineee!

Nasty.

~~~

The comfort room on our floor is not exactly the safest place to be in.

Now and then, that fragrance  used by the many SUNNY ladies on our floor perfumes the air.  And the smell is overwhelmingly pungent.  Intoxicating in all the wrong ways.  It screws up my already screwed up olfactory senses, I swear it does!

One particular afternoon,  just as i finished my business in the handicap’s cubicle (the spacious legroom makes it a favorite of mine), the freakin’ two-meter wide, three-meter high door (?) FELL ON ME just as I opened it.

“HOLY SHIT!” I cried out in surprise, effectively interrupting the after-lunch primping rituals of the SUNNY ladies present during the incident.  “MA’AM! Okay lang po kayo?! Ma’am?!”

FACKIN’ LIFTING THE HEAVY DOOR OFF MY CHEST, I grunted my assurance.

“Puchang pinto yan ah! Muntik na ko don ah!”

~~~

One slow, slow day I asked: Who’d you rather be stuck in an island with? Johnny*, Echo*, Paul* or Anthony*?

In typical fashion, she analyzed said choices gave me a detailed explanation on the  benefits of being stuck with each!  She wrote:

JOHNNY*

will probably give me calculations for the economic potential of the island AND a business plan for the next 5, 10, and 15 years to achieve dominance in the world’s coconut market. if he’s anything like ANDIE, we’ll be EATING, BREATHING, LIVING IN COCONUTS!

ECHO*

can sweet talk the local inhabitants to worship him as their king (and i’d be the queen? gulp.). he can sweet talk the other islands to buy coconut from him till he becomes emperor by sheer charm and diamond-peel skin. BUT CAN YOU IMAGINE HIM IN HIS BDAY CLOTHES WITH DIAMOND PEEL ALL OVER??

RICHIE*

hmm. i have no idea what richie can do. paint me sunsets, blue beaches, white sand and coconuts when we’re both starving and the rain’s pouring. hehehe

PAUL*

can distract my hunger with nice graphic posters and writeups.

ANTHONY*

can DEFINITELY build me a 39-story luxury hi-rise with a playdeck at the roof level, right at the heart of the jungle. then he can sell to the locals with his chinese accent. BUT REALLY??! WHAT IF I DECIDE TO WEAR STILLETOS?!

*names changed not to protect them, but to protect us.

~~~