+sillyvi's silly drafts+

INT. SUMMERS’ HOME – NIGHT

The door bursts open in comes a delighted Buffy and Faith. An annoyed Jameson trails behind.

JAMESON
You almost broke my nose, blondie.

They dump slaying weapons at the wooden chest.

BUFFY
You  hit on my sister,  baby slayer.

JAMESON
It was a joke. And don’t call me that.

FAITH
It wasn’t a joke, B. Jamie’s a perv. I’d know.

JAMESON
Met a lot I suppose?

FAITH
(shrugging)
Been to the big house.

JAMESON
Do anything nasty with the roomies?

BUFFY
Ewww. No prison jokes in the house. I’ve got a minor, remember?

Jameson laughs.

JAMESON
Hey, you smell that?

They walk to:

INT. SUMMERS’ HOUSE. KITCHEN – NIGHT

Willow, Xander and Anya around the breakfast nook.

WILLOW
Cookies? I baked them.

JAMESON
Hmmm, Willow cookies.

WILLOW
I…I have a boyrfriend. You know, Oz.

JAMESON
(winking)
Lucky wolf. Woof!

An unnerved Willow leans over to Buffy.

WILLOW
He’s worse than a Buffy-obsessed Spike. How’s that possible?

BUFFY

(shrugging)
How’s it possible that he’s a male Slayer ? Same diff.

Faith follows Jameson’s movements by the fridge.

FAITH
Gay.  That’s my theory.

Jameson only chuckles and walks over to the platter of cookies.

ANYA
Gay? Hey you, don’t stand too close to Xander.

XANDER
Anya, remember our conversation? “Xander no like boys?”

ANYA
I still don’t like him near you.  He’s wearing a blue shirt that matches his eyes. You might get tempted.

Jameson looks at his shirt.

JAMESON
It does? What do you think Faith?

She props herself at the counter, arms crossed on her chest, trying but failing to look unaffected.

FAITH
Looks gay to me.

JAMESON
Really? Hmm… I’d better take it off then. And besides, it’s got demon stain.

He starts to pull his shirt off.

BUFFY
What did I tell you about a certain minor in the house?

JAMESON
—but since Dawnie’s lurkin about I’m just gonna get me some of those and take off.

He reaches tentativley for the cookies on the platter beside Xander. Takes a bite whilelooking drectily at Xander.

JAMESON
De-li-cious.

Anya socks Xander on the shoulder.

XANDER
Awww, Ahn!
(to Jameson)
Thanks man. A world of thanks.

JAMESON
Anytime.

~~~

INT. XANDER’S APARTMENT. BEDROOM – NIGHT

Anya and Xander in the sheets post-coitum.

ANYA
Xander, are you starting to develop feelings for this Jameson?

XANDER
Okay Anya…where did that come from?

ANYA
I’m well aware of  your  long-standing crush on Buffy. And you loss your virginity to Faith. So therefore, the idea of you falling for Jameson is highly likely.

XANDER
Ahn, the “so therefore” in your statement is very non-sequiturish.  It does not follow for  Xander no like boys. Jameson, boy. Therefore Xander no like Jameson. Xander like girls. Anya, girl. Therefore  Xander like you.

ANYA
Xander may like me. But Xander’s penis is drawn to Slayers! So please tell me as early as now. Are there butterflies in your tummy?  I won’t blame you. He has a remarkable physique and is oozing with sexuality.

XANDER
Ahn, there are absolutely no butterflies!

ANYA
You sure?

XANDER
Nothing’s happening down there—
(catches himself)
I mean inside! Inside my tummy!

ANYA
Okay.

A beat.

ANYA
How about chills? Down your spine? Do you have those?

~~~

INT.  SPIKE’S CRYPT – NIGHT

OBI-WAN
What is a “Girls’ night out?”

SPIKE
Girls in killer clothes killing nasties
lurking about. Sight to behold.

EXT. RESTFIELD CEMETERY – NIGHT

Buffy chasing a CHUNKY VAMP amid the maze of tombstones. She jumps over the roof of a mausoleum, scans the ground and spots her target. She lunges at him and pins him to ground, straddling him.

BUFFY
Hi.

She smacks him hard.

BUFFY
So was that forceful enough for yah?

CHUNKY
Dang, girl! WHAT are you?

BUFFY
Well if you must really know, I’m—

SMASH CUT TO:

KRISTINE holding a vamp by the throat, right arm holding up a STAKE.

KRISTINE
—Kristine, the vampire slayer.

VAMPIRE
But I thought she was a dumb blonde?!

KRISTINE
(smiling)
Not tonight.

She strikes. He explodes to dust.

SMASH CUT TO:

CHUNKY
Jedi Master?! Buffy, the JEDI MASTER?!

He laughs hysterically and Buffy pouts.

BUFFY
Hello? Saber? And didn’t the whole,
‘May the force be with you’ clue you in?

CHUNKY
But it’s so…lame!

She frowns and slices him in half.

BUFFY
(smirking)
Who’s lame now?!

She twirls the lightsabre like a baton, admiring it.

A likewise perky Kristine approaches.

BUFFY
Undead dusty?

KRISTINE
Thanks to Mr. Pointy. He’s very handy.

They toss STAKE and SABER to the air and catch their respective weapons.

BUFFY
(looking longingly at the saber)
So shiny and pink. I think Mr. Pointy
needs an upgrade.

KRISTINE
Maybe I could fashion one for you. Light weight.

BUFFY
Oooooh. WE could engrave my name on it.
“Slayer. Coma. The.” or “Chosen One.”
Nice ring to it. Yeah!

KRISTINE
Except that there’s actually two of you.

BUFFY.
(mock groaning)
Faith.

KRISTINE
Ugh. Don’t remind me.

~~~

INT. SPIKE’S CRYPT – NIGHT

OBI-WAN
I hope you have not fooled me
into joining an illicit activity, Spike.

SPIKE
Have a little faith mate. On second thought,
heard you’d had more than enough of that.

He smirks.

OBI-WAN
Yes, well let’s not relive the…

CLEM
(hissing)
Spike, the Slayer!

SPIKE
Quick hide the kittens!

~~~